By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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