Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
