It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
