Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
