She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
