You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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