i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize