it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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