btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
