I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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