i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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