I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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