Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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