My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize