John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
