dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm always down for nudity.
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