He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
