Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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