Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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