You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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