I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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