I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
