two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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