I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
