She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
