im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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