I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
