in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
