Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
