I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
