I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
