Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Four minutes until I can fart!
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
