I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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