Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
