just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
