Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
