he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I did not marry a roomba.
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