Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
