my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
