I'm going to jail i love you
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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