I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You can't motorboat a personality
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
