I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
