I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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