Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
