rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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