I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
