I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
two words: eviction party
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
