After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
