i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
