Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
